This Sunday, I felt like an imposter. A shell of a photographer. Mike and I stood in a New Haven alleyway waiting for our friend to arrive and I was terrified. One hand had a death grip on my camera and the other was clutching onto Mike for dear life. A storm cloud of doubt raged above my head as stared at the scene before me, hoping the answer would manifest itself. Our friend Ben is a musician and needed some pictures- I had promised to take them. No big deal right? HA. Words that make sense when I am with J&M swam in my brain and danced on the pavement in front of me like a nonsensical parade… directional lighting, natural reflectors, even ISO and aperture suddenly seemed foreign to me. I felt like a child with a grown up camera. Everything I know about photography had seemingly flown out the window and left me standing there terrified, and alone. And I wanted to run. I wanted to run as fast and as far as I could before our friend arrived. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.
I’m not going to lie, the first ten minutes were painful. But I kept shooting. And an amazing thing happened. As I kept shooting and changing settings, and shooting, and changing my angle, something clicked. And just like that- I felt like a photographer again. I don’t think the pictures I took are going to be up for album cover of the year. But I took them. And I like them. And what’s more, is that I banished that little black cloud of doubt. Right there in that alleyway, I conquered my fear and bolstered my confidence. So that the next time I start to feel imposterish- I’ll be more likely to stand straight, look fear in the face, and tell that bully HE should run away from ME.